I live about a block away from Eastside Cemetery in Bridgeport and I find it a very peaceful place to walk and pray sometimes. Some people might find it creepy but I enjoy walking through there and I like to look at the headstones, some of which date back to the early 1800’s. What strikes me here lately is that for every one of those headstones there is a person or group of people that grieved that passing. Every time there is a loss, there is a response to that loss and that response is called grief. And every one of those stones represents somebody’s grief.
Quite a few of those headstones make note of the military service by the one buried there including some who served in the Civil War, which just fascinates me. I saw one the other day that said this man was born in 1922 and died in 1944 as a soldier in the army. I’m sure he died while serving his country in combat at the age of 22. I think about his family grieving when they got the news from the State Department; how awful that must have been. But I appreciate that young man’s service so much and wish I could tell him so.
But while that man knew of the dangers of military service and there is pride mixed with the grief of his family, there are several other headstones that really break my heart. There are several in which the date of birth is the same as the date of death. Obviously this was a stillborn child or one who didn’t live more than a day. Some of the really old ones don’t even have a first name. Evidently, back then the family didn’t pick out a name until after the child was born and they didn’t even get the chance to do that.
I stand looking at that rock with one date and I can’t help but ask God “Why?” I can come closer to understanding a grown man dying in combat but I don’t understand this. And as a man I know I will never comprehend the special bond between a woman and her baby and so I hate to think about how that mother must have grieved. We have talked before about why bad things happen to us and I have some answers but we will never completely understand why things like this happen until we get to Heaven.
Our focus for the next 3 Sundays will not necessarily be why these things happen but instead we will look at our response to our grief and God’s response to our grief. We will see that sometimes God answers our prayer as we would like and then sometimes He doesn’t but in the end He is able to sympathize with our grief.
Our first example will be from the book of I Samuel where we see the story of Hannah. First and Second Samuel are story books of the Bible. They tell some of the history of the nation of Israel but in doing so we learn a lot about not just the people but of the character of God Himself. In these stories we see how we are supposed to act and how we are not supposed to act and how God treats people in common and uncommon situations.
So, turn to I Samuel chapter 1 and we will read verses 1-20. And I apologize beforehand for the massacre of some of these names.
There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite[a] from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. 2 He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none. 3Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the Lord Almighty at Shiloh , where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the Lord. 4 Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. 5But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb.6 Because the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 7 This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. 8 Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” 9 Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh , Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the Lord’s house. 10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.” 12 As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. 13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk14 and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.” 15 “Not so, my lord,”Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.” 17 Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” 18 She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. 19 Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. 20 So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,[b] saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”
So, we basically have 4 main characters here: Elkanah the husband and his 2 wives, Hannah and Peninnah (I see a problem here already) and the priest Eli. It’s interesting that the subject of polygamy is not brought up here at all but I can’t help but think that part of the reason God wanted this story told was to illustrate just one of the problems with that arrangement; you know, just one of the problems that women cause. J
No, the problem we have here is that Hannah can’t have children and wants to and Peninnah can and is rubbing it in to Hannah every chance she gets. And while I can’t comprehend the bond between a mother and her child, I sure can’t understand what Hannah is going through because there is also a culture issue at play here. In biblical times it was a woman’s whole reason for being to bring babies into the world. They didn’t have all the same opportunities that women do today. Their job was to provide children for the husband and preferably male children so that the family name and business could be carried on.
And since Hannah couldn’t bear children, I’m sure she felt like a failure as a person and as a wife. It could be that the reason Elkanah got Peninnah as a wife was because Hannah couldn’t have kids. Think about how that must have made Hannah feel. Because she couldn’t do the job, her husband brought in a pinch-hitter who was now batting a thousand and also going out of her way to make Hannah feel bad about it.
3 times a year every male was required to go to the temple and make sacrifices and so Elkanah would take the whole family and like everybody else, they would make it into almost a vacation. Elkanah would give part of the meat to be sacrificed to each member of the family and he would give Hannah a double portion. That should have made her feel special but Peninnah and her kids got a lot more in total and then Hannah would feel even worse.
Now all of this may even sound a little silly to us today because, like I say, there is a cultural issue here that we can’t understand completely. But this gets us into what I want us to see this morning. I want us to see:
1) Our response to our grief
2) God’s response to our grief.
In looking at our response to our grief, I want you to know that how you grieve may seem silly to others but that’s ok. The thing about grief is that no 2 people grieve in the same way and just because you grieve one way and somebody else grieves another does not make one right and the other wrong. Even if one is more common than the other it doesn’t necessarily make your grief process wrong or weird. It is up to us as those who are not grieving to be sensitive to your grief and not do anything that might make it worse.
Poor Hannah was getting it from all angles. First, Peninnah was making fun of her situation and there is no justification for that. But Elkanah wasn’t much more help even though I think he was trying. I’ve said for a long time that somebody could make a lot of money by starting a business where you just listen to people. I even came up with a name: “Ears to You”.
Now, as an employee of “Ears to You”, you would be trained to say only a very few sentences. You would be trained to say, “Really?” and “Why is that?” and “Tell me more”. Other than that you would pretty much keep your mouth shut. The thing is I don’t think there would be many male employees of “Ears to You”because guys usually want to fix things.
That’s what Elkanah was trying to do. He explained the situation and then couldn’t understand why Hannah was still grieving. Well, Hannah didn’t need or want to be “fixed”. Her grief was natural and even good even if nobody else understood it. If anything, Hannah needed to be told “You mean more to me than 10 sons” instead of “Don’t I mean more to you than 10 sons?” in verse 8.
Another example of how Elkanah wanted to ‘fix” her was asking her why she was crying and why she wouldn’t eat. We have learned in the video series that we are going through on Wednesday nights on “The Journey Through Grief” that people going through grief will often not want to eat or sleep. Or they may only want to eat or sleep. Neither one is particularly healthy, physically, but neither is uncommon or wrong as far as emotions go.
Many people will experience changes in sleep or appetite as well as loss of short-term memory, an increase in colds or flu, a loss of what is perceived as logical thought and a loss of interest in things that used to interest you. Some people want to talk all the time about it and some people clam up and become workaholics. If you have experienced any type of grief, you may have even been angry with God or angry with yourself. Again, these are normal feelings and you are not the first to experience them. You don’t have to be afraid of these feelings but you don’t have to live with them forever either.
There is a balance in getting all of these feelings out and not keeping them bottled up or denying that they exist and then the other extreme is continuing to drag yourself through all that pain longer than you have to. Experts tell us that the average recovery time for significant loss is one to two years, and it is possible to grieve actively for up to five years without becoming pathological.
I’m sure Hannah was feeling terribly lonely at this point in her life. Even in a big family she must have felt all alone. Even the priest misunderstood her at first and told her to get rid of the booze. Oh, that had to help. That’s what she needed. But in spite of this I believe Hannah did at least 2 things right. #1-She was honest. She told Eli that she was deeply troubled. She didn’t try to gloss it over. She came right out and told someone that she was hurting instead of trying to “John Wayne” through the pain.
#2 – She prayed. And she didn’t just pray a little sentence prayer. Verse 12 says she kept on praying to the Lord. She prayed fervently. It says she prayed in bitterness of soul. She prayed and she cried and she prayed some more. And the truth is prayer is one of basically 2 choices we can make when we are grieving. We can go to God in prayer to get help supernaturally from the creator of the universe or we can try to solve it ourselves. And just for comparison, how has that worked out for you in the past?
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is James 5:16 that says, “The fervent prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” Let’s look now at God’s response to her grief. Verse 20 says, “So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.” Is that God’s response every time we pray fervently? No, of course not and we will see that more in depth next week but I believe it would not have happened if she had not prayed.
See, God wants you to pray. He wants to hear from you. He wants to hear you say you are hurting. He wants to hear you say you are angry at Him. He can handle that. The other option would be to lie to Him and He doesn’t want that. So, take it to God in prayer and continue to take it to Him, for years if necessary. Let me tell you how God feels about your grief. Better yet, I want y’all to tell us. I have passed out some slips of paper with a verse on each one. There is no order. Just read it out loud so we can all hear.
Isaiah 41:10'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'
Isaiah 43:2"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.
Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you.
Revelation 21:4and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve, as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive, and remain until the coming of the Lord, shall not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God; and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.
Romans 8:18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Matthew 11:28"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
Psalm18:2The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 23:4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 73:26My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever
Does anybody else have one they would like to share? This list is not exhaustive. However you choose to grieve, however long it takes, however many people it takes to help you through the process, please know that the process is necessary, normal and even good for you. And nobody wants to help you any more than your church family. But God does the healing and He says in Philippians 4:7 that, “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Do you know Him today? That promise in Philippians is for His children. And He wants you as His child. Whether you are grieving today or you might be grieving tomorrow, He promises peace to His children.
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